DIVERGENT LIFE | IDENTITY MAPPING | PART 2 OF 4
When adapting has become second nature, recognising your own needs can take time. Explore the effort behind coping and one small way to make room for yourself.
By Dr Emma Offord
You may be the person everyone thinks is coping well. You answer the messages, meet the deadline and keep the conversation going. Afterwards, you need silence. Or you spend the evening replaying everything you said. Or the smallest extra demand feels impossible.
From the outside, very little of that effort may be visible.
When you have spent years adjusting to expectations, you can become skilled at noticing what other people need from you. Recognising what you need yourself may be harder. “What would help me here?” can feel surprisingly difficult to answer.
Notice the effort behind the outcome
Masking can involve hiding or suppressing aspects of yourself, or working consciously to manage how others perceive you. People’s experiences vary, and adapting can have many purposes, including safety, belonging and getting through a situation.
You might rehearse a conversation, force eye contact, hold back movement that helps you concentrate or stay in a noisy room longer than feels manageable. Some adjustments may feel useful. Others may come at a cost you only notice later.
The National Autistic Society describes masking and the effort it can involve. We do not need to assume that every form of adapting has the same meaning for every person. The useful question is what a particular strategy does for you, and what it asks of you.
“I managed it” is only part of the picture
If you judge a day solely by what you accomplished, you may miss the recovery it required.
Imagine attending an event, joining in and appearing relaxed, then needing the following day to recover. The event may still have been worthwhile. Understanding the whole experience helps you make a more informed choice next time: a shorter visit, a quieter space, a trusted companion or fewer demands afterwards.
This is an illustrative example, rather than a description of every neurodivergent person. The purpose is to include the cost of participation when you decide what is sustainable.
Try this: a private effort check
Choose one ordinary situation, such as a work call, a family visit or shopping. Ask yourself:
What am I doing to get through this that another person might never see?
What does that effort help me achieve or protect?
How do I feel immediately afterwards and later that day?
Is there one demand I could reduce, or one support I could add?
You might notice that you need time to prepare your words, permission to move, written information or a quiet transition after social contact. You might also discover that some adaptations feel comfortable and are strategies you want to keep.
There is no requirement to disclose your neurodivergence or change how you present yourself. Safety, relationships, work and personal choice all matter. Start with a private observation if that feels more manageable.
Identity includes what matters to you
Understanding yourself involves more than cataloguing difficulties. It also means making room for the interests, relationships, values and ways of thinking that bring you satisfaction.
Ask: “When do I feel absorbed, interested or at ease?” The answer may point towards something you want more of, even if it does not fit someone else’s idea of how your life should look.
You can explore these questions whether you have a diagnosis, self-identify or are simply curious. There is space to remain uncertain. Reflection on masking does not prove that you are neurodivergent.
Making sense of years of adapting
Identity Mapping offers space to explore the experiences and adaptations that have shaped how you see yourself. We can consider what has helped you cope, what has become costly and what you would like to make room for now.
Across three individual 90-minute sessions, we connect your story, explore your needs and develop practical next steps. That might include finding language for a boundary, planning recovery time or recognising a strength you have overlooked. Your priorities guide the work; there is no expectation that you must change everything at once.
Identity Mapping costs £950 and is a coaching programme, separate from formal diagnostic assessment. Email hello@divergentlife.co.uk to ask about the programme or request a complimentary 15-minute conversation. More details are on our coaching page.
Next in the series: how to find out what supports you, when familiar advice has never quite fitted.
